All My Longings

Tears stream down my face.  My heart still aches for parts of my life taken from me.  I am still grieving many losses.

I try to reason with myself and tell myself things so I won’t feel this ache.  But it doesn’t go away so easily. 

I kneel at night beneath my rocking chair, my prayer blanket wrapped around me.  Flipping the pages of the Psalms, I find the words to express my prayers. 

“All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.”
Psalm 38.9

Longing.  It is a word soaked with desire, hope and ache.  Such a deep human emotion.

People are longing for so many things.  Good things which God created for us to enjoy.

A single woman longs for a husband to hold her. 
A barren woman longs for a baby to hold. 
A missionary overseas longs for her reunion with family in the homeland.
A refugee longs for a home of her own.
A person with chronic illness longs for healing and health.
A widow longs for sexual intimacy that she once enjoyed. 
A grieving person in darkness longs for the light of morning.

God, you gave us these longings, and you often do fulfill them.  What gifts from you these things are!  A husband, a baby, a family, a home, sex and food. 

But what do we do when you take them from us, or don’t give them to us?  What do we do with our unfulfilled longings? 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13.12

A sick heart.  Yes, I have felt this many times.  I remember times when I lived in the Philippines and wanted to visit my family in America so badly, it felt like an illness.  There is a dull ache in the heart; it even has the name “homesickness”.

I remember a time when I was single, and I ached so badly for a husband, while I was a bridesmaid in all my friends’ weddings.  Or when I was engaged, and I wanted so badly to fulfill my desire freely on my wedding night.  It really feels like a gut cramp.  Like a hunger that will not be quieted unless fed.

I know how 9 months feels when waiting for a baby to be born, longing and hoping that everything will go okay.  Even when I labored with Emily, the hours and days of literal labor pains and aches felt like they would never end.  “Will I ever hold my baby?”

I have even buried a loved one and wished that I was the one in the grave, never to feel the aches of grief again.

I suppose there are many ways to try to fulfill my longings, some healthy and some unhealthy.  I could try to dull the pain or ignore the pain, using substance or sleep or busyness. 

But my heart pulls me to a greater hope.  “There must be something more, something greater than these things I long for.”

“O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.”
Psalm 63:1

Maybe God gives us all these good things to draw us to Himself, the greatest good of all.  It is Lent season, a time when people often choose to give up something in their life.  Some of us didn’t even need to give up something by choice, since we already have an ache or hunger of some kind.

Our hunger in fasting is supposed to remind us to pray, to hunger for God more than our daily bread.  So in giving up something, or in giving up my unfulfilled longing to God, I want to press into God more in prayer.  Surely, He must be more satisfying than any of these things. 

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”
Psalm 73:25

I want this to be true of me, that there is nothing on earth I desire besides God.  And yet, God still put desires and hungers and longings in us that are good.  I mean, we do need to eat in order to stay alive!  I hope I remember to praise Him when these things are fulfilled in my life!  But when they are not part of my life, then may my longing draw me ever nearer in fellowship with Christ. 

All of these good things are really just shadows pointing to the reality found in Christ.

I find great encouragement and hope when I read about other people’s longing in Scripture.  What were the things they were longing for?

“Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one...” Hebrews 11.16

Oh, God, give me faith like these people!  Even when they died, they still had not received the promises.

“Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling...” 2 Cor. 5.2

I read this verse and my tears drip onto the pages of Scripture.  All my longings point me to something greater that is yet to come.  A new body, a better country, an eternal house in heaven. 

We are urged to: “Fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  2 Cor. 4.18

Oh Jesus, please give me these eternal glasses!  Help me to praise you for the small pleasures on earth, gifts from you to enjoy.  But help me even more to press on to even greater pleasure, that will last. 

I am astounded to contemplate this Word:

“You will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
Psalm 16.11

I know greater pleasure and joy is coming when you return, Jesus.  But as I wait upon you, will you give me greater glimpses of glory today?  Will you fill me with more joy as I sit today in your presence?  As my longings lie open before you now, will you warm my heart with samplings of these eternal pleasures?

“Even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy...” 1 Peter 1.8

My longings lie open before you, O Lord.  I am here, waiting for You.

Will You Let Me In?

I’ve been really challenged deep down, since my last post.  It is risky putting myself out there, sharing my struggle to find friends for my kids (and for myself).  But this post may be even more risky.

Previously, I wrote wrestling over the grief I have in losing a great community of friends in the Philippines.  I compared and contrasted the cultural differences, yet I think I missed something.

It came to my attention that one reason people seem closed and isolated is because of self-protection and fear.  Fear that other types of kids will “contaminate” their kids, or protection because truly other kids may hurt their kids.  I have guessed that perhaps some people, well-intended and good-hearted, just do not want their kids to be friends with mine.

 I know the same thing happened in the Philippines, people who isolated their kids from mine and people I isolated my kids from. 
As I reflected on this, I was struck with sadness to wonder: “How often did other people in the Philippines feel about me the way I sometimes feel in America?”

Was I just so happy with my own friends and my community, that I did not realize that I was doing the same thing to others unaware? 

Today in church, Pastor Bob preached such a gentle yet piercing message, that awakened my heart to this probing question. 

He narrated the diversity of the people in Acts 16, whom the Gospel reached by grace:
--Lydia, a rich God-fearing business woman
--slave-girl--demon possessed and not seeking God
--middle of the road average working man, the jailer

Pastor Bob summarized their stories: “The Gospel connects and unifies different kinds of people that society keeps apart.”

Do I think: “They’re too rich and snobby...” and judge?
Do I think: “They’re too ungodly and worldly...” and distance myself?
Do I think: “They’re too...” and critique?

Pastor Bob says, “The Gospel’s going to come into my life and up-end things and disrupt things.
For the humble, that is a welcome change.
For the proud...it is a threat.”

I ask myself: Is the Gospel disrupting my safe-haven home?  Am I humble or proud?

“Have I isolated myself in my home as a safe fortress and refuge, shielding myself and kids from the world?” Pastor Bob asks.

I wonder in response, to what extent is this okay for me to do since I have little kids to protect and nurture?  AND in contrast, to what extent should there be a better balance where I instead make excuses for not taking risks for the Gospel?  Am I keeping away from or moving toward people different from me?  Including their kids?

As he preached, I started thinking of the question I asked of other moms in the end of my last post:  “How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?....Can we be friends?”

Suddenly it was not my voice that I heard in writing--I imagined another woman asking me the same question!

My question turned on me!!  Ah!  Scary!!

Pastor Bob challenged us to reflect:  “Who in our life do we distance ourselves from?  Who is my home closed to?  Am I moving toward people different from me because of the Gospel?”

I see why many American families seem to me to be closed.  Because I am different from them in some way, and my kids are different.  And of course, relationships do take time, and there may be other reasons for distance such as busy schedules, sickness, and minimum capacity or energy during difficult seasons.

But!

There is grace!

Grace in the Gospel can move me toward others in love.

Maybe the people I wish were my friends won’t open their door to me or my kids.  But in the Gospel my kids and I are welcomed into God’s family, and we are accepted and loved because of Jesus.  By God’s grace, maybe He will make me into the kind of person who will open my door to people and kids that are not my choice, but ones Jesus loves and wants to welcome into His family through me.  I know sometimes I don't even have the capacity to love my own kids, so how can I love even more people?  But He is giving me more grace and growing me in His love slowly (hinay-hinay as we used to say).

I know the feeling of wanting someone to open to me, so Lord, give me more grace to be open to others.  I know that God has received me, so Lord, give me more grace to welcome others that are unlike myself.  I know many times I have isolated or distanced myself from others to protect myself or my kids from hurt or out of selfishness, and so if you have done that to me, I forgive you and I understand; please forgive me if I have done that to you.  And to those who have drawn near to us in love and friendship, thank you!  You are the fragrance of Jesus to us!  Jesus, we ask for more grace to connect us and unify us and help us to move toward different kinds of people in need of the Gospel.  And thank you for being the best Friend we could ever imagine!

“But he gives us more grace. 
That is why Scripture says:
‘God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.’”
James 4.6

“May I Have Permission to Pursue Your Son?”

It struck me odd today when I felt like I was courting.  I had actually googled this lady’s address, found her house, and went up and knocked on her door like a suitor.  My purpose was to introduce myself and to reconnect with a lady I had met more than a year ago in person, but I don’t think she remembers me.

My son had been asking to have a play date with a boy from his class at school. 

“Son, I don’t know his mom,” I replied.

“But Mom, you can meet her!”  He gave me a small lined scrap of paper, on which the friend had written his last name in marker.  The two boys were trying to scheme to get their moms connected so they could play together.

In the past, “old-fashioned” dating and marriage were taken very seriously, involving a daughter’s father and family.  If a young man wanted to pursue a relationship with a young woman, he had to first form a bond and a trust with her father. 

Today, if an [American] mom wants to have a friend for her son, she has first to pursue the boy’s mom and win her trust!  Then she will schedule their first play date, once permission has been granted to pursue the other Mama's son.

In finding friends for my sons, it has often felt like dating!  And indeed they are even called “Play dates”.  It is certainly an American cultural trend that has filtered down even to the elementary school age level.  I don’t think Filipino kids schedule play dates.  They just go outside and play together.

I’m still adjusting to the fact that in American culture, it takes months and years to form good friendships.  You have to schedule play time sometimes weeks in advance [this reflects another cultural value of scheduling and busyness], and you have to take it all more seriously than even dating people do in our culture.  Strange, a man today can even marry a woman without her father’s permission!

I myself have had rich relationships in life, ever since birth.  Now that I am a mom, I am keenly aware that those were all gifts from God and blessings to pray for in my own kids’ lives. 

To begin pursuing a friend for my son, I then found myself becoming a stocker.  Yes, I had to find out: “Is she on Facebook??”  It is so silly!  I mean, really, can we not meet in our real lives?  I felt so silly, and I still do.  But how else was I supposed to find a friend for my son to play with!?

My heart is still grieving over the community I left back in the Philippines.  We did not have a car, since we could walk and bike everywhere.  We lived so close to our work, friends and church, that when we walked down the street we actually stopped to chat with people we knew.  Sometimes I bumped into my best friends more than 5-10 times in a week!  Now I barely see anyone I even know, let alone to connect deeply with.

No community is perfect, but definitely there are more barriers to relationship in the Western cultures.  I back out my driveway with doors locked and windows up, driving in isolation.  I raise my garage door to return home and enter the house in seclusion, closing the door immediately behind me.  My fences and windows keep sound and activity secluded to the home.  [Don’t get me wrong, the kids are always with me!]

Contrast my former life, where I walked past friends and coworkers to a public jeepney, I squeezed in tight with the person next to me, maybe they even held one of my kids on their lap [stranger or not].  I listened to the shared [albeit loud and jaaring] radio on public transportation, and I woke up to the sound of roosters and dogs barking out the open windows [I don’t miss this].  My Filipina friend even saved her life because the woven walls were so thin that when she called out for help to the person walking down the street, someone came in to rescue her.  I remember landing in Seattle, and upon arriving at my American friend’s house I thought I would almost go deaf from the stark silence.  Not a sound.

There are pros and cons to both places.  I’m grieving the former positives [and I do not miss the community of the ants one bit!], and I’m laboring to learn the new culture.  It takes time to find and build community, and to cultivate deep friendships.  Thankfully, we have had a regular rhythm being involved in a sweet gospel community at our church, and I am getting to know my neighbors slowly but surely.  But...I still miss our dear friends, and I long to go deeper with new ones.

I learned this little song as a child:

“Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other gold.”

So, dear Mama, may I have permission to pursue your son?  How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?  Will you let my son play with your son?  Can we be friends?