He Restores My Soul

Sound of fountain flowing
Trees blowing
Country crickets chirping
Vast blue sky a cathedral ceiling
Quiet trees planted, rooted, unmoving--
my prayer for faith

Fields of corn far-reaching
No Filipino karoke or roosters blaring
No internet signal distracting
Green grass, a carpet cot for a nap
Shade and silence for solitude
with my Savior

Leaves fluttering
Branches rustling
Soothing sound to my 
tired ears of
kids screaming
boys shouting.

Energetic kids eager
for attention and affection
now not interrupting.
Responsibility for others
lifted from my shoulders,
my back tired from carrying, cleaning, 
conflict, correcting, child-rearing.

Thank you, Lord, for a retreat.
Respite
Rest
Refresh me
Restore my soul.

Psalm 23: "The Lord...makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul."

[Location: Saint Benedict Retreat Center near Schuyler, NE]

Grieving Loss; Knowing Hope

Since I suddenly left the Philippines in May 2014, I have had a long journey of healing and grieving. 

Many times I have been heard saying, “I lost everything!  It felt like my life burned up in a fire!”

In a short time, without even knowing I would not be returning, I lost
--my home of 10 years
--all of my worldly possessions, except what would fit into a few suitcases
--my community and daily friendships
--a people and culture that I had come to love
--a ministry that I found fulfilling and meaningful

I didn't even get to say good-bye! [This photo was taken in my absence so my dear ladies could say good-bye to me]. 

I lost even deeper things than that, some so deep I cannot even write them today. 

[As an aside, I find it interesting and relieving that through the years I always had a sense that someday I may have to leave the country suddenly, so little by little I had hand-carried my volumes of journals and photo albums back to storage at my parents’ house.  I am so glad I did that!!].

A few weeks ago in my gospel community from church, one of my sweet sisters in the Lord prayed for me, “Lord, thank you that Jessica did not lose her faith through it all, but that her faith continues to be strengthened.”

Of course!  Why didn’t I think of that!?  It was almost prophetic, that prayer she prayed.  It shot through my grief like an arrow of truth.

Providentially, during May 2014 I had been memorizing 1 Peter chapter 1, including these precious words, which God knew I would cling to in days to come:

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”  1 Peter 1.6-7

How can I keep telling people, “I lost everything!”, as if to gain their sympathy in my grief, when God has told me, “I kept for you the most valuable thing: your faith”?!

My faith, God reminds me, is of greater worth than gold!  Do I really believe this?!  What if I had lost all that I did, plus my faith?  I think I would not have survived. 

As I still process grief of various degrees, God continues to pierce my cloud with sunbeams of Scripture light.  Oh, His Word is so precious to me!

Just this morning I was memorizing and studying Hebrews 10.34, and there it was again!

“You ...joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.” 

How am I going to find joy in grief and loss? 

Answer:  Knowing that I have something better and lasting!

A beloved preacher said: “When you know that you have a better and a lasting persuasion, you are not paralyzed by loss.  If that better possession is great enough, you will even be able to rejoice in loss.”

Some people have experienced even greater loss than I have.  I acknowledge that pain, and I would like not to compare my pain (greater or lesser) to any other person. 

However, I would like to invite any person who has suffered any loss, small or great, to join me in the journey for joy by hoping in the one thing that is better and more lasting than any earthly pleasure:

“You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
Psalm 16.11

Filling me with joy=BETTER than what I lost
Eternal pleasures=LASTING longer than what I lost

And what is this “better and lasting possession”?

Life, salvation, yes!  “You have made known to me the path of life.”  [See my last post "A Path to Walk On"].
But read Psalm 16.11 again with me:

“you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

It is not only a what, but a WHO: “In your presence...at your right hand.”
[I must credit this powerful sermon, "The Present Power of a Future Possession" with this insight!  I recommend you listen!].

He is the Lord.  He is Jesus.  The joy is in being with Jesus; the hope is in being called by His Name.  If I lose everything on earth, even my own life, and my faith is kept, I gain Christ. 

Jesus is worth living for.  He is worth more than losing everything on earth.  Jesus is worth even dying for. 

I remind myself of this truth today, because I know tomorrow I may wake up and feel clouds of grief threatening to rain on my joy. 

I am preaching this to myself, and memorizing it, singing it, praying it, whatever it takes to sink this truth into my bones:

“Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73.23-26

Will you join me in praying for more hope in what is better and lasting? 

A Path To Walk On

July 10, 2005

I was struck suddenly by sadness when I turned right onto the tree-lined lane toward the lake.  The memory of my wedding day flooded back fresh, yet so distant a day.  It was the same path where my new husband and I posed for our wedding photos, me a beautiful bride, and he leaning me back for a kiss.

That moment was precious, and the hope of a new bride fresh.  I was ready for the path!  That was the day we had waited for.  That is the path I chose, and he was the man I wanted to walk with on the journey of life.

Oh Path!  You are not what I imagined!

Oh Path!  How could you still be there, and I am still here?  Yet, you are not what I thought, and I am not who I was.

That young hopeful bride flew far away from that sacred spot.  Off for foreign adventures, around the world away from home roots.  The journey filled years of unexpected turns and detours.

Here I am, back where I started, but not the same.

Still I am hopeful, yet my gaze has been fixed to One unseen.  Though the Path was not what I imagined it would be, I have learned to journey with One greater than I could ever imagine!

He is the unchanging, faithful friend, who not only shares this Path with me but is Himself called the Way.

He is Jesus:  "I am the Way..." (John 14.6).

Oh Jesus!  You are the Path, and you are with me on this Path.  You lead me and guide me, you never leave me alone!

"Show me your ways, O Lord,
Teach me your paths...
My hope is in you all day long."
Psalm 25.4-5

"I will guide you in the way of wisdom
And lead you along straight paths."
Proverbs 4.11

There are no guarantees I can give to a new bride, but this: let your deepest hope be in Jesus, because He is the Faithful Prince of Peace, and He really is riding on a white horse!

"I saw heaven open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True....on his head are many crowns...He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God."
Revelation 19.11-13

It is worth putting our hope in this Prince.

It is worth following Him on this Path.

"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Matthew 7.13-14

Which Path are you walking on?

Cleanse My Conscience

Photo cred: quotesgram.com

“Oh, how am I going to forgive myself?”  I wrote in my journal just last week. 

“Lord, I’m feeling guilty, and I need you.  I can barely write my failure because I feel so bad.” 

Have you ever said unloving words that you regret?  Then the guilt you feel after saying them, and you can’t erase them? 

What is worse, I said the words to my most sensitive child, and I fear that the effect will be deep damage!

A sermon I heard the very next day (the timing of the Spirit!) was recorded in 1997, but totally fitting for me!  He said, 
“Modern science and ‘progress’ cannot make the slightest advance in solving the real human problem--a dirty conscience.”

I have been working on memorizing Hebrews 9 for two weeks, and it is quite a passage!  The richness of the old covenant, the sacrificial system and the tabernacle was all set up to ultimately prepare us for and point us to Christ. 

Of the old covenant it says:
“the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper.”  Hebrews 9.9

As my guilty conscience weighed me down more, I continued to confess to my journal:

“I can hardly bear to think of it now!...I try to pursue him in love, but my love gets so challenged so quickly!...Oh, knives to my heart!  My guilt is too great.  Please, please please forgive me Lord!  How can I ever undo this?”

Interesting, how I can only memorize a few verses at a time!  Because it causes me to slow down and really think on it:  “not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper....” until verse 11 (ESV!):

“BUT [contrast!] when Christ appeared as high priest...”

There He is!  Someone who can clear my guilty conscience!  This is what I need to hear!  I need a high priest, a mediator.  Someone who can free me from that burden and wash my crimson stains. “Out damn spot!” in the famous words of Lady Macbeth.

How ironic to think that the stain on Lady Macbeth’s hands were blood, and yet it is also bloody hands that can wash out such guilt.

“What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus!
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus!”

“How much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works...” Hebrews 9.14

Photo cred: ubdavid.org

The blood of Christ can purify my guilty conscience!  Nothing that I can do, no dead works--my own righteousness to try to repair or make it up to God, will ever purify my conscience.  Only through faith in the one spotless Lamb, “without blemish” can I draw near to God.

If you are like me, and find yourself feeling guilty after sinning, you may find yourself trying to run and hide from God.  You may try to carry the guilt yourself or try to make it up somehow by doing better. 

But, let us make a new habit of running TO God with our guilt.  Let us look to Christ, who offered himself in our place for our sin, and trust in His finished work on the cross to bring us near to God and to purify our conscience.

If you are someone who does not feel a guilty conscience, it is possible that you are suppressing that through keeping busy, using substances, or ignoring guilt another way.  In that case, I urge you also to be set free today by calling on the Name of Jesus and trusting Him to pay the penalty for you.

If you don’t feel guilty, it is possible that you are a righteous person, doing good works and feeling good about yourself.  If you are not looking to Christ but looking to yourself for a clean conscience, you are also in need of freedom from “dead works”.  I urge you, friend, to release your trust in your own righteous works to save you and rely instead on the work that Christ has already done to save you. 

I want to make this song my regular prayer:

I lay my sins on Jesus, the spotless Lamb of God;
He bears them all, and frees us from the accursed load;
I bring my guilt to Jesus, to wash my crimson stains
White in His blood most precious, till not a stain remains.

[Listen to this version that I like, by Matt Foreman]
(Orignial hymn by Horatius Bonar in 1843: full lyrics here)

P.S. I did reconcile with my son and I know Christ is at work to purify and redeem us both!  Pray for us when the Spirit brings us to mind.

The Curtain and Shadows

I’ve been chipping away at the difficulty of memorizing Hebrews 7 for the last three weeks.  Today, as I cracked into chapter 8 I was amazed at how the Holy Spirit lined it up with Good Friday & Easter this week!

I felt like I was watching a display of fireworks that gets bigger near the finale as the Holy Spirit led me to discover powerful truths in the paths of Hebrews.  If you haven’t read or studied [or memorized!] this book, I hold it out to you as a rich store of treasures to uncover!  Join me!

I only have time to share with you a tiny peek at one or two jewels.  To help you appreciate the beauty of the jewels, I wish I could tell you all that I have learned so far about the importance of Jesus as our Great High Priest! 

The writer is trying to get us to see that all the Old Testament laws and regulations for worship are just copies and shadows of the Reality that is found in Jesus!

The animal sacrifices...point to the necessity of the shedding of blood for forgiveness of sins (Hebrews 9.22).
The tabernacle....points to the true sanctuary: heaven itself (Hebrews 9.24)
The old covenant written on stone....prepares the way for the new covenant written on our hearts (Hebrews 8.6-12)
The priests who offered the sacrifices for sin....point to the Great High Priest, Jesus, who offered himself for sin (Hebrews 10.11-12)
The need for the blood of an unblemished lamb...points to the blood of the perfect Christ, shed (on Good Friday!) on the cross (Hebrews 9.13-14).

What is the point of all this?  The aim is to draw near to God...for worship and fellowship.  We can’t draw near unless we are perfect, and we are not perfect because of sin. 

Easter is about hope! 

“The law made nothing perfect.  And a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.”  Hebrews 7.19

Because of Good Friday and Easter, we have hope, by which we can draw near to God in worship!

This is where the firework display of Jesus’ got bigger and brighter for me!

Because I noticed this: 

“He sacrificed for their sins
once for all (remember the words from the cross: “It is finished”!)
when he offered himself.”
Hebrews 7.27

There it is!  The Priest IS the sacrifice!  Before, the priests had to bring a sacrifice for their own sins and for the sins of the people (Hebrews 7.27).  This Priest, Jesus, perfect, holy and unblemished (7.26), went into the Most Holy Place with a blood sacrifice...his own blood (9.12)!  His sacrifice was himself on the cross of Calvary!   This is “Good” Friday= “Good News”!.

“He did not enter by means of the blood of goats and calves;
but he entered the Most Holy Place
once for all [Easter...the resurrection...it is finished!]
by his own blood,
having obtained eternal redemption.”
Hebrews 9.12

As I meditated on this, I noticed the word “entered”.  Try to track with me, this is really really cool!

What did he enter?  The Most Holy Place [a.k.a. Heaven itself--the Real and True Most Holy Place].
With what did he enter?  Blood...his own blood [Good Friday, think cross].
Through what did he enter?  THE CURTAIN

“Behind the second curtain was a room called the Most Holy Place.”
Hebrews 9.3

Have you ever thought about the curtain before??  This curtain was all about separating the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place, representing God’s throne room, God’s presence (Exodus 26.31-34).  That means we ourselves cannot get into God’s presence unless we pass through the curtain.  And in the OT, only the High priest could do that, and only once a year, and only with an unblemished sacrifice (Hebrews 9.7-8).

Watch this display of light:

“Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place
by the blood of Jesus,
by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain,
that is his body....”
Hebrews 10:20

BOOM!  Fireworks!  Amazing!!  Check this out:

“With a loud cry, [from the cross], Jesus breathed his last. 
The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”
Mark 15.37-38

Jesus IS the curtain!  The curtain is his body!  He entered so we could enter!  When he died on the cross, the temple curtain was actually torn and ripped in an unusual way, to show that the way into God’s presence is now open through Jesus!  It also shows that the shadow of former worship is past, and the reality of true worship is here!

Now, get ready for the grand finale, because this is not all!  But first let me summarize what we have so far:

Jesus is the High Priest, who goes into the Most Holy Place.
Jesus is the sacrifice, who offers himself unblemished, his own blood.
Jesus is the curtain, which opens the way to draw near to God, his body.

See this:
Body=Curtain
Blood=Sacrifice

Are you ready for the Grand Finale?!.......

Body+Blood=COMMUNION

Curtain+ Sacrifice=Draw near to God

OH!  AMAZING LOVE!  How Can it be!?  That Thou my God shouldst die for me!

my NIV study Bible (Zondervan)

When you see the words “body” and “blood” in Hebrews 10.20, do you hear Jesus on the night he was betrayed?  As I write, it is Maundy Thursday, the very night of the Last Supper....the Last Passover!  As in, Jesus fulfills the Passover, and that is why it was the last!

“Then came the day of Unleavened Bread on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed.”  Luke 22.7  (and Jesus is that lamb!).

“And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.’
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, ‘This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.”  Luke 22.19-20

Bread+Cup=Communion
Jesus the High Priest+Jesus’ body (curtain)+Jesus’ blood (sacrifice)=draw near to God

The connections are a glorious display of the beauty of Jesus!  What a reason to celebrate!  What a reason to rejoice and, even more, to be confident that we, too can enter into God’s presence through faith in Jesus. 
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf.”  Hebrews 6.19-20

He entered the curtain to the Most Holy Place so we could enter heaven itself to be in God’s presence forever (9.24)!  Hallelujah!

Without Jesus, without Good Friday and Easter, we could never be made perfect (Hebrews 7.11, 18-19).  And if we are not perfect, then we cannot draw near to God in worship (Psalm 15).  But we all sin, so we cannot ever cleanse our own consciences from acts that lead to death, which is what we all deserve for our sin (Hebrews 9.14, cf. Romans 3.23 & 6.23). 

BUT!

“A better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God!” Hebrews 7.19

When we take communion, it actually is FOR communion---fellowship with God, drawing near to God. And it is all because of the body of Jesus (the curtain), and the blood of Jesus (the sacrifice).  Think about this next time you dip the bread in the wine at communion!

So, “let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience...” Hebrews 10.22

Have you put your faith in Jesus today?  Have you trusted in Him as the only way (Hebrews 9.8) to draw near to God?  If no, then I invite you to receive Jesus by faith today!  If yes, then, brothers and sisters, we have confidence to enter the throne of grace today where we find mercy and grace to help us in our time of need! (Hebrews 4.16).

Join me in worshiping our Great High Priest, Jesus, as I sing this song that I wrote, given to me by the ministry of the Holy Spirit, with the words from Hebrews 4.14-16.

Great High Priest

“Jesus came into the world as the Son and the final High Priest, not to be the best and last ‘shadow’ as a priest.
He came to fulfill and end the shadows because He is the Reality.”
(Dec. ’96 Piper)

If You Want Me To

(Google images)

“I have become like broken pottery.”  The words on the page of Psalm 31 in my Bible stood out as if I had written them myself.  Oh, how often the Psalmists express the very things I am feeling!  In his case, he was in distress, anguish and affliction.  He was weak, and even his close relationships were broken.

Yes, the Psalmist and I have a lot in common. 

My counselor once told me: “Let them see your cracks, so the glory of God can shine through.” 

It comes from 2 Corinthians 4.7: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

It is hard to let people see my cracks, my brokenness.  It is humbling. 

But it is also hard for me not to wish away the cracks.  Deep down, I sometimes wonder, “Why did you allow this circumstance in my life, Lord?  It doesn’t makes sense to me.”  I would have never chosen this.

But I can’t change people, and I can’t change my circumstance.  So what am I going to do?

Sometimes I just cry, and Jesus is with me in my tears. 

But other times I really fight the temptation to compare myself to others. 

Today I saw myself in Peter when he asked: “Lord, what about him?” John 21:21.  How tempting it is to look at someone else’s life and think, “Lord, what about her?  Why didn’t she have to suffer?  Why doesn’t she face many trials?  Why does her life seem so put-together?  Why does everything work out for her?”

That is me being broken pottery, wishing I were porcelain. 

But Jesus rebukes Peter for comparing his calling to crucifixion with John’s seemingly privileged position.

(google images)

Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?  You must follow me.”  John 21.22

These words struck my heart with power and truth.  I have done the same thing as Peter in my heart.

I look at my suffering and trials, and and then compare my assignment to another person’s, instead of simply following Jesus.

It comes down to this:  what do I want for my life?  What does Jesus want for my life?  And will God give me the grace to want what He wants? 

Suddenly I remembered one of my favorite songs, by Ginny Owens:

“The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

‘Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first step

(google images)

And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone...”

(Watch and listen on YouTube here)

There it is: “If you want me to.”  This reminds me so much of Jesus’ own prayer in the garden before he was crucified:

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  Matthew 26.39

Jesus asked for what he wanted, but prayed for what the Father wanted.  Oh, God, please give me the grace to pray like this too! 

My first year of college I had this verse written on the wall of my dorm room: 

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...” Philippians 3.10

I remember thinking, “Do I really want to know the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings??”

I love how Ginny Owens put it in her song: “So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if you want me to.”

Okay, so every day I am not comparing myself to others; just sometimes the temptation pulls at me.  But as I think of the last few years, I can also  remember the precious fellowship I have had in prayer, song and tears with Christ.  I have seen glimpses of His beauty.  And it always draws me closer, to want to follow Him more, to love him more. 

There must be some reason, unknown to me, that God has chosen this story for me. But it is my story, for His glory, and not another’s.

In The Horse and His Boy, by C.S. Lewis, Aslan tells Shasta: ‘Child, I am telling you your own story, not hers.  No one is told any story but their own.’”

This is just what I needed to hear today.  Just like the words Peter heard, in “the kind of death by which [he] would glorify God” John 21.19.

(google images)

What will I do when I am faced with trials that I don’t want but I can’t change?  Will I look to someone else’s story?  Will I count their cracks and have self-pity for my own?  Or will I fix my eyes on Jesus, and long for His glory to shine through in my weakness? 

Lord, give me more grace to fix my eyes on You each day (Hebrews 12.2), to want what you want even when you give me assignments I don’t want.  When I get tempted in the “snare of compare”, I invite you to rebuke me and remind me to follow you (John 21.22).  Forgive me for looking to those around me rather than to you, for comparing myself to others and for my stubborn will that fights your will.  I pray for more grace to enjoy sweet fellowship with you, Jesus, as I share in your sufferings (Phil. 3.10), that I will truly desire more than anything else to be closer to You (Psalm 73.25).  Thank you that no matter what trial I go through, you promise to be with me (Isaiah 41.10), to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13.5)  And in my weakness and sufferings, give me the grace to rejoice and let your glory be revealed in me (1 Peter 4.13), through me and to me, in Jesus name, Amen.

[Note: I highly recommend you set aside 47 minutes while you are working or driving (not laying down...too sleepy!) to listen to this message, by Carolyn Mahaney, called "The Snare of Compare", given at a women's conference for The Gospel Coalition in 2012.  Though she is not fancy, famous, or funny, she is full of wisdom and truth].

Made Perfect For All Time

me on my sad, bad hair day

I keep getting messages from the culture to be perfect:

“Have the perfect body.”
“Wear the perfect clothes, and look perfect.”
“Get the perfect job and career.”
“Be the perfect mom....oh, and make sure your kids are perfect too!”
“Live in the perfect house.”
“Marry the perfect man....oh and be the perfect wife!”

I’m sick of feeling constrained to be perfect.  I feel smothered and stifled when I am forced and pressured to conform to all of these unreasonable expectations.

I hate the feeling of not being perfect.  I don’t like to see people with fit and firm abs, while my poofy muffin top bellybutton is all wrinkled and distorted.  Sure, I have 4 beautiful kids as a result of the sequential pregnancies, but now my body is---gasp--not perfect!  (I was tempted to post a proof photo of this, but I can’t bare it).

I fight feelings of jealousy or comparison at seeing women looking all made-up and perfect, while I am just trying to get my 4 kids out of bed, dressed and fed.  Woops!  I forgot to look in the mirror!  Once my friend even caught me wearing slippers at the pick-up for school.  And hair?  Make-up?  That is only for my best days, when I am feeling the capacity to actually prepare myself.

The message for many modern Western women is to get the perfect career, and to keep up with the home and family too.  If you are able to do this, then I applaud you!  Wow, that is just amazing.  For me, I am at the stage of having kids age 7, 6, 4 and 2, so this one is just out of the question for me to try to attain.

But then, the temptation to be the perfect mom sneaks up.  I come and go from social media, many times truly rejoicing (click: “like” and “love”!) in what my friends and “friends” are posting.  Yet, on my down days, I cannot click the “Instagram” or “Facebook” aps, because I know I will be tempted to compare myself and get discouraged. 

I know I am not the perfect mom, but I am even more confident that my kids are not the perfect kids!  Oh, the shame I fight when I encounter judgmental looks from others, or even actual negative comments.  How hard it is not to absorb them as my own failures or imperfect identity.

Single and engaged women may think they will find the perfect man, but all the married and formerly married people know there is not such a man (bless our husbands for loving the imperfect woman!).  And I don’t think there is a perfect house either, or else there wouldn’t be so many Americans moving all the time and doing home renovations every year.

There must be something better than all this.  Something that really satisfies. 

Today while I was looking into the mirror of the Bible and studying snapshots of Scripture, I saw something amazing!!  Something more beautiful than any picture I had seen in a while!  I gazed at the reflection of myself, but not in the bathroom mirror.  It was absolutely stunning!

(photo: google images)

It all started in Hebrews 7, when I was trying to untangle the theological knots about the priesthood.  As I memorized verses 11-19, that is when it popped out:

“If perfection could have been attained through the Levitical priesthood...why was their still need for another priest to come?”

and verse 19:

“for the law made nothing perfect...”

There it was!  Perfection!  Sure enough, people throughout all time and history have tried to make themselves perfect through religion or through following the law. 

Even worse than feeling cultural pressure to be perfect, is the religious pressure in some circles to act perfect or to pretend we have it all together spiritually. 

But here it says clearly, that we cannot find perfection through the law.  We can never follow the law perfectly, and we can never draw near to God on our own, because of our sin.  God is holy, and we do not love him perfectly with our whole hearts.

The astounding light blazed in truth when I read this about Jesus:

“He is able to save completely those who come to God through him...he is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.”
Hebrews 7.25-26

This is it!  The perfect man!  The perfect priest!  And he, only he, can save us perfectly from our sin!  It is because we are not holy, but he is holy.  We are sinners, and he is set apart from sinners. 

There is that word again: PERFECT:

“..the Son...has been made perfect forever.” Hebrews 7.28 (see also 5.9).

(photo: google images)

I kept tracing this theme throughout Hebrews, and it was stunning:




“How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God cleanse our consciences from dead works so that we may serve the living God!”  Hebrews 9.14

Easter is approaching, and this is something to celebrate!  Let this truth soak in the next time you look at your blemishes in the morning mirror, or the next time you feel guilty for messing up again, or the next time you try to be perfect through your own work or through religion.

Jesus suffering on the cross, pouring out his blood for our sin, cleanses us!  He offered himself unblemished so that we could be made perfect for all time!
No wonder I was feeling smothered by the lies of the culture!  It was polluted perfection--is there such a thing!?  “The law...can never..make perfect those who draw near to worship.” Hebrews 10.1

Oh, how refreshing is the Gospel! 

This was all stunning beauty to me, as I gazed at the perfect High priest, Jesus, made perfect through his suffering.

But there is MORE!  Can it be so?!  It was like a double take in a mirror after you just had a make-over, or like a bride studying her reflection in the floor-length mirror just before her entrance.  “Is this really ME??”

Me, a bride, my best day

“By one sacrifice he has made perfect for all time those who are being sanctified.”  Hebrews 10.14

What?!  Astounding!  Through Jesus I am already made perfect!  This is fabulous news!  And this is for all time--forever!  No more trying, it’s a done deal!

We don’t have to try to be perfect through looks, body, marriage, home, kids, career or religious works.  We who look to Christ in faith already are perfect because his righteousness is counted to us!

“Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”  Ephesians 5.25-27

Think of it!  I already have the perfect clothes: “He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.” Isaiah 61.10

We who are in Christ are promised the perfect bodies: “The trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed!” 1Cor. 15.53

He is preparing the perfect Home for us: “God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” (Heb. 11.16 & just read Revelation 21!). 

And if this sounds like a Cinderella fairy-tale, then I invite you to put on the lenses of faith and gaze into the reality found in the Bible that we shall soon see with our own eyes.  All of these things are just a shadow of the greater things to come! 

There’s nothing wrong with having nice clothes, make-up, hair, house, family, or whatever else.  Just let those things be pointers to the beauty found in Christ. 

And when the perfect life we wish for isn’t coming, let us set our hope on the perfect Son of God--Jesus-- who actually is coming again, and who clothes us with his perfection.

“The church’s one foundation
Is Jesus Christ her Lord,
She is His new creation
By water and the Word.
From heaven He came and sought her
To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her,
And for her life He died.”

Hymn by Samuel John Stone

my wedding kiss: a shadow of the Wedding to come

All My Longings

Tears stream down my face.  My heart still aches for parts of my life taken from me.  I am still grieving many losses.

I try to reason with myself and tell myself things so I won’t feel this ache.  But it doesn’t go away so easily. 

I kneel at night beneath my rocking chair, my prayer blanket wrapped around me.  Flipping the pages of the Psalms, I find the words to express my prayers. 

“All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.”
Psalm 38.9

Longing.  It is a word soaked with desire, hope and ache.  Such a deep human emotion.

People are longing for so many things.  Good things which God created for us to enjoy.

A single woman longs for a husband to hold her. 
A barren woman longs for a baby to hold. 
A missionary overseas longs for her reunion with family in the homeland.
A refugee longs for a home of her own.
A person with chronic illness longs for healing and health.
A widow longs for sexual intimacy that she once enjoyed. 
A grieving person in darkness longs for the light of morning.

God, you gave us these longings, and you often do fulfill them.  What gifts from you these things are!  A husband, a baby, a family, a home, sex and food. 

But what do we do when you take them from us, or don’t give them to us?  What do we do with our unfulfilled longings? 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13.12

A sick heart.  Yes, I have felt this many times.  I remember times when I lived in the Philippines and wanted to visit my family in America so badly, it felt like an illness.  There is a dull ache in the heart; it even has the name “homesickness”.

I remember a time when I was single, and I ached so badly for a husband, while I was a bridesmaid in all my friends’ weddings.  Or when I was engaged, and I wanted so badly to fulfill my desire freely on my wedding night.  It really feels like a gut cramp.  Like a hunger that will not be quieted unless fed.

I know how 9 months feels when waiting for a baby to be born, longing and hoping that everything will go okay.  Even when I labored with Emily, the hours and days of literal labor pains and aches felt like they would never end.  “Will I ever hold my baby?”

I have even buried a loved one and wished that I was the one in the grave, never to feel the aches of grief again.

I suppose there are many ways to try to fulfill my longings, some healthy and some unhealthy.  I could try to dull the pain or ignore the pain, using substance or sleep or busyness. 

But my heart pulls me to a greater hope.  “There must be something more, something greater than these things I long for.”

“O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.”
Psalm 63:1

Maybe God gives us all these good things to draw us to Himself, the greatest good of all.  It is Lent season, a time when people often choose to give up something in their life.  Some of us didn’t even need to give up something by choice, since we already have an ache or hunger of some kind.

Our hunger in fasting is supposed to remind us to pray, to hunger for God more than our daily bread.  So in giving up something, or in giving up my unfulfilled longing to God, I want to press into God more in prayer.  Surely, He must be more satisfying than any of these things. 

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”
Psalm 73:25

I want this to be true of me, that there is nothing on earth I desire besides God.  And yet, God still put desires and hungers and longings in us that are good.  I mean, we do need to eat in order to stay alive!  I hope I remember to praise Him when these things are fulfilled in my life!  But when they are not part of my life, then may my longing draw me ever nearer in fellowship with Christ. 

All of these good things are really just shadows pointing to the reality found in Christ.

I find great encouragement and hope when I read about other people’s longing in Scripture.  What were the things they were longing for?

“Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one...” Hebrews 11.16

Oh, God, give me faith like these people!  Even when they died, they still had not received the promises.

“Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling...” 2 Cor. 5.2

I read this verse and my tears drip onto the pages of Scripture.  All my longings point me to something greater that is yet to come.  A new body, a better country, an eternal house in heaven. 

We are urged to: “Fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  2 Cor. 4.18

Oh Jesus, please give me these eternal glasses!  Help me to praise you for the small pleasures on earth, gifts from you to enjoy.  But help me even more to press on to even greater pleasure, that will last. 

I am astounded to contemplate this Word:

“You will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
Psalm 16.11

I know greater pleasure and joy is coming when you return, Jesus.  But as I wait upon you, will you give me greater glimpses of glory today?  Will you fill me with more joy as I sit today in your presence?  As my longings lie open before you now, will you warm my heart with samplings of these eternal pleasures?

“Even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy...” 1 Peter 1.8

My longings lie open before you, O Lord.  I am here, waiting for You.

Will You Let Me In?

I’ve been really challenged deep down, since my last post.  It is risky putting myself out there, sharing my struggle to find friends for my kids (and for myself).  But this post may be even more risky.

Previously, I wrote wrestling over the grief I have in losing a great community of friends in the Philippines.  I compared and contrasted the cultural differences, yet I think I missed something.

It came to my attention that one reason people seem closed and isolated is because of self-protection and fear.  Fear that other types of kids will “contaminate” their kids, or protection because truly other kids may hurt their kids.  I have guessed that perhaps some people, well-intended and good-hearted, just do not want their kids to be friends with mine.

 I know the same thing happened in the Philippines, people who isolated their kids from mine and people I isolated my kids from. 
As I reflected on this, I was struck with sadness to wonder: “How often did other people in the Philippines feel about me the way I sometimes feel in America?”

Was I just so happy with my own friends and my community, that I did not realize that I was doing the same thing to others unaware? 

Today in church, Pastor Bob preached such a gentle yet piercing message, that awakened my heart to this probing question. 

He narrated the diversity of the people in Acts 16, whom the Gospel reached by grace:
--Lydia, a rich God-fearing business woman
--slave-girl--demon possessed and not seeking God
--middle of the road average working man, the jailer

Pastor Bob summarized their stories: “The Gospel connects and unifies different kinds of people that society keeps apart.”

Do I think: “They’re too rich and snobby...” and judge?
Do I think: “They’re too ungodly and worldly...” and distance myself?
Do I think: “They’re too...” and critique?

Pastor Bob says, “The Gospel’s going to come into my life and up-end things and disrupt things.
For the humble, that is a welcome change.
For the proud...it is a threat.”

I ask myself: Is the Gospel disrupting my safe-haven home?  Am I humble or proud?

“Have I isolated myself in my home as a safe fortress and refuge, shielding myself and kids from the world?” Pastor Bob asks.

I wonder in response, to what extent is this okay for me to do since I have little kids to protect and nurture?  AND in contrast, to what extent should there be a better balance where I instead make excuses for not taking risks for the Gospel?  Am I keeping away from or moving toward people different from me?  Including their kids?

As he preached, I started thinking of the question I asked of other moms in the end of my last post:  “How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?....Can we be friends?”

Suddenly it was not my voice that I heard in writing--I imagined another woman asking me the same question!

My question turned on me!!  Ah!  Scary!!

Pastor Bob challenged us to reflect:  “Who in our life do we distance ourselves from?  Who is my home closed to?  Am I moving toward people different from me because of the Gospel?”

I see why many American families seem to me to be closed.  Because I am different from them in some way, and my kids are different.  And of course, relationships do take time, and there may be other reasons for distance such as busy schedules, sickness, and minimum capacity or energy during difficult seasons.

But!

There is grace!

Grace in the Gospel can move me toward others in love.

Maybe the people I wish were my friends won’t open their door to me or my kids.  But in the Gospel my kids and I are welcomed into God’s family, and we are accepted and loved because of Jesus.  By God’s grace, maybe He will make me into the kind of person who will open my door to people and kids that are not my choice, but ones Jesus loves and wants to welcome into His family through me.  I know sometimes I don't even have the capacity to love my own kids, so how can I love even more people?  But He is giving me more grace and growing me in His love slowly (hinay-hinay as we used to say).

I know the feeling of wanting someone to open to me, so Lord, give me more grace to be open to others.  I know that God has received me, so Lord, give me more grace to welcome others that are unlike myself.  I know many times I have isolated or distanced myself from others to protect myself or my kids from hurt or out of selfishness, and so if you have done that to me, I forgive you and I understand; please forgive me if I have done that to you.  And to those who have drawn near to us in love and friendship, thank you!  You are the fragrance of Jesus to us!  Jesus, we ask for more grace to connect us and unify us and help us to move toward different kinds of people in need of the Gospel.  And thank you for being the best Friend we could ever imagine!

“But he gives us more grace. 
That is why Scripture says:
‘God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.’”
James 4.6

“May I Have Permission to Pursue Your Son?”

It struck me odd today when I felt like I was courting.  I had actually googled this lady’s address, found her house, and went up and knocked on her door like a suitor.  My purpose was to introduce myself and to reconnect with a lady I had met more than a year ago in person, but I don’t think she remembers me.

My son had been asking to have a play date with a boy from his class at school. 

“Son, I don’t know his mom,” I replied.

“But Mom, you can meet her!”  He gave me a small lined scrap of paper, on which the friend had written his last name in marker.  The two boys were trying to scheme to get their moms connected so they could play together.

In the past, “old-fashioned” dating and marriage were taken very seriously, involving a daughter’s father and family.  If a young man wanted to pursue a relationship with a young woman, he had to first form a bond and a trust with her father. 

Today, if an [American] mom wants to have a friend for her son, she has first to pursue the boy’s mom and win her trust!  Then she will schedule their first play date, once permission has been granted to pursue the other Mama's son.

In finding friends for my sons, it has often felt like dating!  And indeed they are even called “Play dates”.  It is certainly an American cultural trend that has filtered down even to the elementary school age level.  I don’t think Filipino kids schedule play dates.  They just go outside and play together.

I’m still adjusting to the fact that in American culture, it takes months and years to form good friendships.  You have to schedule play time sometimes weeks in advance [this reflects another cultural value of scheduling and busyness], and you have to take it all more seriously than even dating people do in our culture.  Strange, a man today can even marry a woman without her father’s permission!

I myself have had rich relationships in life, ever since birth.  Now that I am a mom, I am keenly aware that those were all gifts from God and blessings to pray for in my own kids’ lives. 

To begin pursuing a friend for my son, I then found myself becoming a stocker.  Yes, I had to find out: “Is she on Facebook??”  It is so silly!  I mean, really, can we not meet in our real lives?  I felt so silly, and I still do.  But how else was I supposed to find a friend for my son to play with!?

My heart is still grieving over the community I left back in the Philippines.  We did not have a car, since we could walk and bike everywhere.  We lived so close to our work, friends and church, that when we walked down the street we actually stopped to chat with people we knew.  Sometimes I bumped into my best friends more than 5-10 times in a week!  Now I barely see anyone I even know, let alone to connect deeply with.

No community is perfect, but definitely there are more barriers to relationship in the Western cultures.  I back out my driveway with doors locked and windows up, driving in isolation.  I raise my garage door to return home and enter the house in seclusion, closing the door immediately behind me.  My fences and windows keep sound and activity secluded to the home.  [Don’t get me wrong, the kids are always with me!]

Contrast my former life, where I walked past friends and coworkers to a public jeepney, I squeezed in tight with the person next to me, maybe they even held one of my kids on their lap [stranger or not].  I listened to the shared [albeit loud and jaaring] radio on public transportation, and I woke up to the sound of roosters and dogs barking out the open windows [I don’t miss this].  My Filipina friend even saved her life because the woven walls were so thin that when she called out for help to the person walking down the street, someone came in to rescue her.  I remember landing in Seattle, and upon arriving at my American friend’s house I thought I would almost go deaf from the stark silence.  Not a sound.

There are pros and cons to both places.  I’m grieving the former positives [and I do not miss the community of the ants one bit!], and I’m laboring to learn the new culture.  It takes time to find and build community, and to cultivate deep friendships.  Thankfully, we have had a regular rhythm being involved in a sweet gospel community at our church, and I am getting to know my neighbors slowly but surely.  But...I still miss our dear friends, and I long to go deeper with new ones.

I learned this little song as a child:

“Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other gold.”

So, dear Mama, may I have permission to pursue your son?  How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?  Will you let my son play with your son?  Can we be friends?

These Things I Remember

Today I enjoyed a time of worshiping God.  All alone, just my voice and the keyboard.  Oh, the Spirit ministers to me so much through His Word and through song! 

I sang, "You have exalted above all things your Name and your Word!"

As I sang, I felt a tinge of grief at remembering....

I remember leading worship for women at missionary retreats.  I was the only musician available, and I was happy to be the one. 

Nate and I did all the music for the school and the mission at one point.  We were teaching together and singing, leading together. 

I loved my worship leading high school class, and I loved singing with my students and watching them grow and praise God together.  (I am blessed this week in finding out one of them is now a worship leader at a church!).  I loved teaching my students to lead other students in worship during chapel--so rewarding and fulfilling!

And now.  I sing.  I worship.  Just me.

No one at church even knows I am a worship leader.  No one is asking me to use these gifts of music. 

It is hard to be now in a place with tons of gifted musicians who record CDs, when I was not long ago in a place where I was one of the only musicians, and I was writing songs in a language with few worship songs. 

But as I sang today, I am reminded of my identity in Christ.
Not as a worship leader or musician.
Not as a missionary or a teacher.
But--
Forgiven.
Dearly Loved.
In Christ.
Chosen. Redeemed.

And this is why I still sing.

It doesn't matter who I am leading in worship, but whom it is that I worship.

I worship Jesus.  And so I will yet praise Him.

"These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
How I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God...

Why are you downcast o my soul? 
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
Psalm 42