If You Want Me To

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“I have become like broken pottery.”  The words on the page of Psalm 31 in my Bible stood out as if I had written them myself.  Oh, how often the Psalmists express the very things I am feeling!  In his case, he was in distress, anguish and affliction.  He was weak, and even his close relationships were broken.

Yes, the Psalmist and I have a lot in common. 

My counselor once told me: “Let them see your cracks, so the glory of God can shine through.” 

It comes from 2 Corinthians 4.7: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

It is hard to let people see my cracks, my brokenness.  It is humbling. 

But it is also hard for me not to wish away the cracks.  Deep down, I sometimes wonder, “Why did you allow this circumstance in my life, Lord?  It doesn’t makes sense to me.”  I would have never chosen this.

But I can’t change people, and I can’t change my circumstance.  So what am I going to do?

Sometimes I just cry, and Jesus is with me in my tears. 

But other times I really fight the temptation to compare myself to others. 

Today I saw myself in Peter when he asked: “Lord, what about him?” John 21:21.  How tempting it is to look at someone else’s life and think, “Lord, what about her?  Why didn’t she have to suffer?  Why doesn’t she face many trials?  Why does her life seem so put-together?  Why does everything work out for her?”

That is me being broken pottery, wishing I were porcelain. 

But Jesus rebukes Peter for comparing his calling to crucifixion with John’s seemingly privileged position.

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Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?  You must follow me.”  John 21.22

These words struck my heart with power and truth.  I have done the same thing as Peter in my heart.

I look at my suffering and trials, and and then compare my assignment to another person’s, instead of simply following Jesus.

It comes down to this:  what do I want for my life?  What does Jesus want for my life?  And will God give me the grace to want what He wants? 

Suddenly I remembered one of my favorite songs, by Ginny Owens:

“The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

‘Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first step

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And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone...”

(Watch and listen on YouTube here)

There it is: “If you want me to.”  This reminds me so much of Jesus’ own prayer in the garden before he was crucified:

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  Matthew 26.39

Jesus asked for what he wanted, but prayed for what the Father wanted.  Oh, God, please give me the grace to pray like this too! 

My first year of college I had this verse written on the wall of my dorm room: 

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...” Philippians 3.10

I remember thinking, “Do I really want to know the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings??”

I love how Ginny Owens put it in her song: “So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if you want me to.”

Okay, so every day I am not comparing myself to others; just sometimes the temptation pulls at me.  But as I think of the last few years, I can also  remember the precious fellowship I have had in prayer, song and tears with Christ.  I have seen glimpses of His beauty.  And it always draws me closer, to want to follow Him more, to love him more. 

There must be some reason, unknown to me, that God has chosen this story for me. But it is my story, for His glory, and not another’s.

In The Horse and His Boy, by C.S. Lewis, Aslan tells Shasta: ‘Child, I am telling you your own story, not hers.  No one is told any story but their own.’”

This is just what I needed to hear today.  Just like the words Peter heard, in “the kind of death by which [he] would glorify God” John 21.19.

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What will I do when I am faced with trials that I don’t want but I can’t change?  Will I look to someone else’s story?  Will I count their cracks and have self-pity for my own?  Or will I fix my eyes on Jesus, and long for His glory to shine through in my weakness? 

Lord, give me more grace to fix my eyes on You each day (Hebrews 12.2), to want what you want even when you give me assignments I don’t want.  When I get tempted in the “snare of compare”, I invite you to rebuke me and remind me to follow you (John 21.22).  Forgive me for looking to those around me rather than to you, for comparing myself to others and for my stubborn will that fights your will.  I pray for more grace to enjoy sweet fellowship with you, Jesus, as I share in your sufferings (Phil. 3.10), that I will truly desire more than anything else to be closer to You (Psalm 73.25).  Thank you that no matter what trial I go through, you promise to be with me (Isaiah 41.10), to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13.5)  And in my weakness and sufferings, give me the grace to rejoice and let your glory be revealed in me (1 Peter 4.13), through me and to me, in Jesus name, Amen.

[Note: I highly recommend you set aside 47 minutes while you are working or driving (not laying down...too sleepy!) to listen to this message, by Carolyn Mahaney, called "The Snare of Compare", given at a women's conference for The Gospel Coalition in 2012.  Though she is not fancy, famous, or funny, she is full of wisdom and truth].