Will You Let Me In?

I’ve been really challenged deep down, since my last post.  It is risky putting myself out there, sharing my struggle to find friends for my kids (and for myself).  But this post may be even more risky.

Previously, I wrote wrestling over the grief I have in losing a great community of friends in the Philippines.  I compared and contrasted the cultural differences, yet I think I missed something.

It came to my attention that one reason people seem closed and isolated is because of self-protection and fear.  Fear that other types of kids will “contaminate” their kids, or protection because truly other kids may hurt their kids.  I have guessed that perhaps some people, well-intended and good-hearted, just do not want their kids to be friends with mine.

 I know the same thing happened in the Philippines, people who isolated their kids from mine and people I isolated my kids from. 
As I reflected on this, I was struck with sadness to wonder: “How often did other people in the Philippines feel about me the way I sometimes feel in America?”

Was I just so happy with my own friends and my community, that I did not realize that I was doing the same thing to others unaware? 

Today in church, Pastor Bob preached such a gentle yet piercing message, that awakened my heart to this probing question. 

He narrated the diversity of the people in Acts 16, whom the Gospel reached by grace:
--Lydia, a rich God-fearing business woman
--slave-girl--demon possessed and not seeking God
--middle of the road average working man, the jailer

Pastor Bob summarized their stories: “The Gospel connects and unifies different kinds of people that society keeps apart.”

Do I think: “They’re too rich and snobby...” and judge?
Do I think: “They’re too ungodly and worldly...” and distance myself?
Do I think: “They’re too...” and critique?

Pastor Bob says, “The Gospel’s going to come into my life and up-end things and disrupt things.
For the humble, that is a welcome change.
For the proud...it is a threat.”

I ask myself: Is the Gospel disrupting my safe-haven home?  Am I humble or proud?

“Have I isolated myself in my home as a safe fortress and refuge, shielding myself and kids from the world?” Pastor Bob asks.

I wonder in response, to what extent is this okay for me to do since I have little kids to protect and nurture?  AND in contrast, to what extent should there be a better balance where I instead make excuses for not taking risks for the Gospel?  Am I keeping away from or moving toward people different from me?  Including their kids?

As he preached, I started thinking of the question I asked of other moms in the end of my last post:  “How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?....Can we be friends?”

Suddenly it was not my voice that I heard in writing--I imagined another woman asking me the same question!

My question turned on me!!  Ah!  Scary!!

Pastor Bob challenged us to reflect:  “Who in our life do we distance ourselves from?  Who is my home closed to?  Am I moving toward people different from me because of the Gospel?”

I see why many American families seem to me to be closed.  Because I am different from them in some way, and my kids are different.  And of course, relationships do take time, and there may be other reasons for distance such as busy schedules, sickness, and minimum capacity or energy during difficult seasons.

But!

There is grace!

Grace in the Gospel can move me toward others in love.

Maybe the people I wish were my friends won’t open their door to me or my kids.  But in the Gospel my kids and I are welcomed into God’s family, and we are accepted and loved because of Jesus.  By God’s grace, maybe He will make me into the kind of person who will open my door to people and kids that are not my choice, but ones Jesus loves and wants to welcome into His family through me.  I know sometimes I don't even have the capacity to love my own kids, so how can I love even more people?  But He is giving me more grace and growing me in His love slowly (hinay-hinay as we used to say).

I know the feeling of wanting someone to open to me, so Lord, give me more grace to be open to others.  I know that God has received me, so Lord, give me more grace to welcome others that are unlike myself.  I know many times I have isolated or distanced myself from others to protect myself or my kids from hurt or out of selfishness, and so if you have done that to me, I forgive you and I understand; please forgive me if I have done that to you.  And to those who have drawn near to us in love and friendship, thank you!  You are the fragrance of Jesus to us!  Jesus, we ask for more grace to connect us and unify us and help us to move toward different kinds of people in need of the Gospel.  And thank you for being the best Friend we could ever imagine!

“But he gives us more grace. 
That is why Scripture says:
‘God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.’”
James 4.6

“May I Have Permission to Pursue Your Son?”

It struck me odd today when I felt like I was courting.  I had actually googled this lady’s address, found her house, and went up and knocked on her door like a suitor.  My purpose was to introduce myself and to reconnect with a lady I had met more than a year ago in person, but I don’t think she remembers me.

My son had been asking to have a play date with a boy from his class at school. 

“Son, I don’t know his mom,” I replied.

“But Mom, you can meet her!”  He gave me a small lined scrap of paper, on which the friend had written his last name in marker.  The two boys were trying to scheme to get their moms connected so they could play together.

In the past, “old-fashioned” dating and marriage were taken very seriously, involving a daughter’s father and family.  If a young man wanted to pursue a relationship with a young woman, he had to first form a bond and a trust with her father. 

Today, if an [American] mom wants to have a friend for her son, she has first to pursue the boy’s mom and win her trust!  Then she will schedule their first play date, once permission has been granted to pursue the other Mama's son.

In finding friends for my sons, it has often felt like dating!  And indeed they are even called “Play dates”.  It is certainly an American cultural trend that has filtered down even to the elementary school age level.  I don’t think Filipino kids schedule play dates.  They just go outside and play together.

I’m still adjusting to the fact that in American culture, it takes months and years to form good friendships.  You have to schedule play time sometimes weeks in advance [this reflects another cultural value of scheduling and busyness], and you have to take it all more seriously than even dating people do in our culture.  Strange, a man today can even marry a woman without her father’s permission!

I myself have had rich relationships in life, ever since birth.  Now that I am a mom, I am keenly aware that those were all gifts from God and blessings to pray for in my own kids’ lives. 

To begin pursuing a friend for my son, I then found myself becoming a stocker.  Yes, I had to find out: “Is she on Facebook??”  It is so silly!  I mean, really, can we not meet in our real lives?  I felt so silly, and I still do.  But how else was I supposed to find a friend for my son to play with!?

My heart is still grieving over the community I left back in the Philippines.  We did not have a car, since we could walk and bike everywhere.  We lived so close to our work, friends and church, that when we walked down the street we actually stopped to chat with people we knew.  Sometimes I bumped into my best friends more than 5-10 times in a week!  Now I barely see anyone I even know, let alone to connect deeply with.

No community is perfect, but definitely there are more barriers to relationship in the Western cultures.  I back out my driveway with doors locked and windows up, driving in isolation.  I raise my garage door to return home and enter the house in seclusion, closing the door immediately behind me.  My fences and windows keep sound and activity secluded to the home.  [Don’t get me wrong, the kids are always with me!]

Contrast my former life, where I walked past friends and coworkers to a public jeepney, I squeezed in tight with the person next to me, maybe they even held one of my kids on their lap [stranger or not].  I listened to the shared [albeit loud and jaaring] radio on public transportation, and I woke up to the sound of roosters and dogs barking out the open windows [I don’t miss this].  My Filipina friend even saved her life because the woven walls were so thin that when she called out for help to the person walking down the street, someone came in to rescue her.  I remember landing in Seattle, and upon arriving at my American friend’s house I thought I would almost go deaf from the stark silence.  Not a sound.

There are pros and cons to both places.  I’m grieving the former positives [and I do not miss the community of the ants one bit!], and I’m laboring to learn the new culture.  It takes time to find and build community, and to cultivate deep friendships.  Thankfully, we have had a regular rhythm being involved in a sweet gospel community at our church, and I am getting to know my neighbors slowly but surely.  But...I still miss our dear friends, and I long to go deeper with new ones.

I learned this little song as a child:

“Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other gold.”

So, dear Mama, may I have permission to pursue your son?  How can I find my way into your life?  Will you let me knock?  Will you let my son play with your son?  Can we be friends?

These Things I Remember

Today I enjoyed a time of worshiping God.  All alone, just my voice and the keyboard.  Oh, the Spirit ministers to me so much through His Word and through song! 

I sang, "You have exalted above all things your Name and your Word!"

As I sang, I felt a tinge of grief at remembering....

I remember leading worship for women at missionary retreats.  I was the only musician available, and I was happy to be the one. 

Nate and I did all the music for the school and the mission at one point.  We were teaching together and singing, leading together. 

I loved my worship leading high school class, and I loved singing with my students and watching them grow and praise God together.  (I am blessed this week in finding out one of them is now a worship leader at a church!).  I loved teaching my students to lead other students in worship during chapel--so rewarding and fulfilling!

And now.  I sing.  I worship.  Just me.

No one at church even knows I am a worship leader.  No one is asking me to use these gifts of music. 

It is hard to be now in a place with tons of gifted musicians who record CDs, when I was not long ago in a place where I was one of the only musicians, and I was writing songs in a language with few worship songs. 

But as I sang today, I am reminded of my identity in Christ.
Not as a worship leader or musician.
Not as a missionary or a teacher.
But--
Forgiven.
Dearly Loved.
In Christ.
Chosen. Redeemed.

And this is why I still sing.

It doesn't matter who I am leading in worship, but whom it is that I worship.

I worship Jesus.  And so I will yet praise Him.

"These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
How I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God...

Why are you downcast o my soul? 
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."
Psalm 42

Prayer for Word-Hunger

A blogging lull, I know. My writing will be revived in time.

For now, I will share with the public a letter I just wrote to my church.  I hope it is helpful to you, too!

Thanks, Brother Trent Senske, for preaching the Word today, for stoking the fires of passion to be engaging with the Word! 

I need prayer, and we all do, that we will stay hungry for the feast of the Word.  One reason I struggle with taking in the Bible is not that I don't know how to read it, but that it is a spiritual battle for my mind and heart.  Something else is always trying to pull my desire away from the Word.

So let's fight in prayer together, brothers and sisters of Coram Deo!  Let's fight the temptation to become Word-anemic, and let us pray together that we will gorge ourselves on it daily, even hourly.  (Recall Clatterbuck's excellent sermon from Isaiah 55:  "How to Feast Well").

I have been so refreshed and blessed by two excellent resources.  I can't hold myself back from sharing them with you, church family.

One is "An Approach to Extended Memorization of Scripture" by Dr. Andrew Davis.Click Here

Last year some of us memorized Titus upon Pastor Bob's steak challenge, which is only 3 chapters.  I commend to you this form of meditation on God's Word, which is useful for moms like me, who don't have as much time to carry a Bible around or to look at an app on the phone.  Memorizing has been the hardest but richest discipline I have ever done, and oh! the rewards God has returned to me in timely moments!

The little booklet is only 99 cents, and it is a quick read to inspire, to motivate, and to teach you to memorize scripture.  If you have never memorized scripture, begin by taking the assignment to memorize Psalm 1.  It is just like training for a marathon, you actually work up to longer parts by starting with the shorter.

Second, I must share with you "Praying the Bible" by Donald S Whitney, a seminary professor in KY.Click Here

This is worth a quick sit down for one hour.  It is such a helpful and powerful way to engage the Bible and to bring vitality to my prayer life!  Ever since I read this booklet I have been praying daily through five Psalms, using the helpful method he gives.

The author quotes "the godly nineteenth-century godly Scottish pastor Robert Murray M'Cheyne...when he said, 'Turn the Bible into prayer...this is the best way of knowing the Bible, and of learning to pray.'"  Through praying the Bible we use God's language and keep our minds from wandering in prayer.

Pray that we will be a church packed with people in whom God's Word dwells richly and who delight in and meditate on His Word day and night.

Your sister,
Jessica Becker

Parenting A Painting

"Browsing" by Terry Redlin: https://www.redlinart.com

While I rested on the peaceful grounds of the Terry Redlin Art Center in Watertown, South Dakota, I listened to an "Ask Pastor John" podcast with guest speaker Paul Tedd Tripp (episode #627).  

It was no coincidence that I soon stood captured by this painting of two deer, "Browsing", by Terry Redlin.  

Inspiration for this poem hit me hard, as the podcast and painting merged in my mind.

PARENTING A PAINTING

by Jessica Nell Becker

Parenting is a painting, a portrait of grace

Each mundane task reveals more light from Christ’s face

A child drips a blot or blemish on the canvas

A mother strokes her brush to point to what God’s plan is

Her tone of voice, her touch, her face the child to see

Displays the sovereign beauty of God’s authority

Each day, a dab of color unfolding mystery

Artwork not a hassle, but rather opportunity

An artist’s masterpiece is never finished in one day

But seizing little moments to add more strokes of grace

A tool in the Master’s hand, I form my children’s hearts

The Father dearly loves these kids, they are His work of art!

(copyright by Jessica Nell Becker 2015).

Virtual Cars and a Verdict

“Mom, can I buy this car?”  My 7-year-old son held up the ipad to show me the fastest, most expensive race car on his virtual racing game.

“Elijah, you have to win that car; I don’t want to use real money to buy virtual cars.  They don’t even exist!”  He went away sad, and kept coming back to ask, even offering to use his birthday money to pay for it.

It boggles my mind to think of wasting real money on virtual cars!  What true pleasure is there in having the fastest and best of something so nonexistent?!

Yet, the heart of my son should not confound me, since it is the same as my own: the heart of pride.

In my last blog post, I gave myself a reading assignment:  "The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness" by Timothy Keller.  Today, I finished the brief three-chapter booklet and was profoundly impacted.  Please add this to your reading list as well!

Using 1 Corinthians 4, Keller digs into the problem we all have: the overinflated, swollen human ego.

“Then you will not take pride in one man over against another.  For who makes you different from anyone else?  What do you have that you did not receive?  And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

1 Corinthians 4.6b-7

One aspect of the human ego that stood out to me was that,

“it is incredibly busy--in other words, it is always drawing attention to itself.  It is incredibly busy trying to fill the emptiness...doing two things in particular--comparing and boasting.” (Loc 149).

That is so true, isn’t it?  How often I pass by a person in the store or on the bike trail and immediately, without even thinking, make a quick judgment by comparing myself to that person.  “Am I better? thinner? more good-looking? better-dressed? less stressed? easier to like?” 

And that only takes a second.  Think of all the other time wasted by comparing ourselves to people in social media or even in church!  The time I don’t spend internally comparing myself, can be wasted in externals as well by trying to compete to make myself better in any area that I judge myself less acceptable.

This should boggle my mind!  Yet, I should not be surprised either, knowing the condition of the human heart as taught in Scripture.  

“The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.

Who can understand it?

‘I the Lord search the heart

and examine the mind…' ”

Jeremiah 17.9-10a

Keller quotes C.S. Lewis “In his famous chapter on pride....

It is competitiveness that is at the very heart of pride.

‘Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person.  We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not.  They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others…” (Loc 158).

When I read this, that image of my son wanting virtual race cars popped into my memory.  It is such a picture of the human heart.  My son was not content with the basic race car, though it was fast.  He could not take pleasure in virtual racing just for the fun of it, but only unless he could have the fastest and the best.

A few weeks ago, Elijah competed in his last track and field meet.  During the previous meet he proudly won two 1st place ribbons.  Of course it is fun to win, but we all know the saying, “Winning isn’t everything.”  We may tell our kids that, but do we tell ourselves that?

When Elijah got a 2nd place and a 3rd place ribbon in the last meet, he came unglued.  He moaned in a crumpled mess on the black track completely oblivious of the fact that some kids got 4th and 5th place ribbons!  Nope, all that mattered was that he was not first. 

This perfectly portrays Keller’s point that “the ego is fragile.  That is because anything that is overinflated is in imminent danger of being deflated--like an overinflated balloon” (Loc 178).

Was Elijah trying to prove that he was someone (guys: think Rocky... “Go the distance”)?  Even though he already won two 1st place ribbons, they were not good enough, because every day the race to prove we are best starts over again.   

How can we find freedom from this prison of pride?

One man named Paul has found the secret:

“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court;

indeed, I do not even judge myself.

My conscience is clear,

but that does not make me innocent.

It is the Lord who judges me.”

1 Corinthians 4.3-4

Keller unpacks this profound passage:

“When he says that he does not let the Corinthians judge him nor will he judge himself, he is saying that he knows about his sins but he does not connect them to himself and his identity.... He refuses to play that game.  He does not see a sin and let it destroy his sense of identity.  He will not make a connection.  Neither does he see an accomplishment and congratulate himself....We could not be more different from Paul” (Loc 259).

I love this vision of freedom!  Paul knows he is the “chief of sinners”, and yet he knows he is not condemned, nor does he give himself any credit.  He doesn’t look to others for approval, and he doesn’t even set his own standards by which to judge himself.  Instead, he looks to the One, who is the True Judge:  the Lord Jesus.  

How is Elijah going to learn how not to come totally unraveled at getting 2nd place?  How am I going to teach him not to find his identity in his performance but to find freedom from congratulating himself for being the fastest?  Am I going to say, “Virtual cars are silly!” or will I seize the opportunity to plant Gospel seeds in his soul?

I use the illustration of Elijah because it is so much easier for me to identify sin in my offspring than in myself!  Yet when I observe these dynamics at play in a child, my own sin makes more sense.  I need to preach this to myself and to my son:

“For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved,

but the one whom the Lord commends.”

2 Corinthians 10.18

It is worth quoting Keller again, because this picture of the courtroom struck me so profoundly.  I hope it does the same for you, and even motivates you to read his whole booklet.

“What we are all looking for is an ultimate verdict that we are important and valuable.

We look for that ultimate verdict everyday in all the situations and people around us.  And that means that every single day, we are on trial.

Everyday, we put ourselves back in a courtroom....

Some days we feel we are winning the trial and other days we feel we are losing it.  But Paul says that he has found the secret.  The trial is over for him.  He is out of the courtroom.  It is gone.  It is over.  

Because the ultimate verdict is in.

He knows that they cannot justify him.

He knows that he cannot justify himself....

He says that it is the Lord who judges.

It is only His opinion that counts.

....

[In other religions] performance leads to the verdict.  Everyday you are on trial.

But Paul is saying that in Christianity the verdict leads to performance....

(Photo credit: oldbaileyonline.org)

Paul is out of the courtroom and out of the trial.  Because Jesus went on trial instead.  Jesus went into the courtroom.

“Self-forgetfulness takes you out of the courtroom.

The trial is over.

The verdict is in” (Loc 319).

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus....”

Romans 8.1

If I have a reader who has not looked to Christ Jesus in faith, I invite you to consider letting Him go into the courtroom on your behalf so you don’t have to endure the prison of pride or the duty of defending yourself every day.  

If you are like me, already in Christ, but you still struggle with self-forgetfulness, I invite you to pray with me:

Jesus, 

Teach me to preach the Gospel to myself every day and in on the spot moments.  When I am tempted to defend myself or compare myself to others for a verdict or to judge myself by my own standards, please remind me that You are the Judge.  Holy Spirit, I give you permission to ask me: “What are you doing in the courtroom, Jessica?  You should not be in here!  Court is adjourned!”  Thank you, Jesus, that you have gone into the courtroom on my behalf for defense of my sin and so that I can be free from condemnation and self-congratulation.  Help me think of myself less and exalt you more, Jesus!

Chasing Rabbits

Of our 4 kids, Emily loves dogs the most.  Since she sleeps with a stuffed cow, fondly called “dow”, she thinks all dogs are the same as cows.  After all, dogs, like cows, are cute and furry with four legs and a tail!  The other boys like to point out dogs to her, “Emily, oohh--ohh!! Dow!”, and if we see a dog at a park, Emily must meet him!

Today Pastor Bob told about his own dog, and how he trained his dog from the early years to “sit”, “stay” and “heel”.  He pointed out the beauty of a self-controlled dog like his, who can walk obediently beside him through the neighborhood without a leash.  

There is only one problem with his dog’s desire to heel beside Pastor Bob: his love for chasing rabbits!  

What rabbits are you chasing??

If there is even one rabbit, suddenly the lesser desire of obeying his master gets overruled by his greater desire to chase that bunny.

This is a picture of us when it comes to self-control.  

“Self-control is easy when displayed against lesser desires, but hard when tested against greater and stronger desires” (@bobthune).

Proverbs 25.28

“Like a city whose walls are broken down 

is a man who lacks self-control”

The question:

“What’s the rabbit in your life??”

Woah!  This is a hard one, Pastor Bob!  

What am I tempted to chase after?  

What desires do I have that should be secondary to my desire to glorify God?

Is it gluttony? exercise and body image? consumerism and shopping?  work? leisure? entertainment? lust? fame? power? influence? significance and being known? pleasing others? being in control?

As I consider these possibilities, my awareness of my sin gets deeper when Pastor Bob points out:

At the root of all “rabbits” I am tempted to chase after, is one thing:

SELF

Why do I struggle with self-control so much!?  Because the problem is not control....it is self.  

The problem with trying to suffocate my desires by myself is that my power of will alone falls short.  

“We don’t need greater control, but less self” (@bobthune).

Oh no!  How am I going to think of myself less and desire God more?

“All the will-power in the world can’t ‘un-self’ you.  Only Jesus Christ can do that” (@bobthune).

“What a wretched [wo]man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!”  Romans 7.24-25

The good news in the Gospel sets me free from this idol of self, and points me to the source of true life: our Lord Jesus.

How do I disempower self??

Answer:  

“Trust in Jesus!  Jesus came to un-self us...to invite us out of ourselves and INTO HIM!” (@bobthune).

Jesus gives us the power of a greater love, the power of new primary desires.  

Whereas my primary desires are usually self-motivated, Jesus gives me a new desire to love and worship Him that surpasses anything else.

“You have made known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
Psalm 16.11

Jesus,

I confess that I have often turned to pleasures other than you, and I have not turned to you to find the path of life.  

I am grieved at my sin of self-focus and self-righteousness, self-interest, and self-will.

I repent that I have too often tried to detour away from You on “bunny trails” rather than in contentedly walking the narrow road beside my Master.  

I admit that I run to false idols in order to find a savior and refuge, and yet I know these do not free me and do not fill me.  They promise me what they can’t deliver.

I declare that there is no other God besides You!

“No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.

All who make idols are nothing,

and the things they treasure are worthless”
Isaiah 44.8-9

I embrace the truth about you, Jesus, that you are a better Savior and you can do what all the other idols fail to do.

Thank you for freeing me to indulge less in myself and more in You, Jesus!  

Oh Lord, help me to delight in obeying you and walking beside you more than any competing desire or distraction!  

Thank you for changing my desires to love You supremely as my Master, and weakening my desire to chase rabbits so that I can "heel" by your side no matter what bunnies of this world try to attract my heart.

I walked down the aisle to receive the bread and wine for communion.  As I dipped the bread, reminding me of the body of Christ broken for me, the brother said these powerful yet simple words:

“Christ’s blood sets us free from idols.”

May this be my life prayer:

“He must become greater; I must become less”

John 3.30

Thune Sermon Reference: The beautiful challenge of self-control

On my reading list: Keller's "The freedom of self-forgetfulness"